I've Discovered

Some interesting feelings.

I know what it's like to be:
head-over-heels
lovesick
annoyed
upset
surprised
happy
disappointed
and most of all....In Love Even When I Don't Want To Be.

I've been told that the only way to rid those feelings, is to move on with someone else. What do you do if there IS no one else? I'm not saying that my first love is my forever love. But how do I know who is? And why would I want to date again and risk all the hell I've gone through already. I'm finally believing that I'm over it, but SOMETHING always reminds me:
seashells, Reece's, Facebook...even the color blue, or spiders, or cookie dough.
or the number 19.

I'm no longer counting, yet I'm remembering all the months because I had already planned so far ahead. By now, most people know what the "would've-been one year" was going to be like and it would've made him the happiest guy alive...but he didn't wait long enough.

The first relationship I didn't fuck up on my own, hurt me the most.
is it because I wasn't in control of the problem? or because I will never know the real reason? or am I just insecure because there's another girl--before or after the break up, it does not matter. what matters is that I'm trying my hardest to be a civilized human being and he's just flirting his way into someone else's heart.