what an extraordinary...

idea.

call me crazy...

but i am going crazy.
i never thought Jen would be sick when i needed her most. Tomorrow is my first dance show and i was really hoping she'd be there for me before! I mean, i understand she doesn't feel good. But why did the man upstairs bring me down like this!!
she was there for me when my friends went crazy on me (not really crazy....) but this is so important to me. I dont even know if i can do this without her. I'm suddenly self conscious and worried about performing! I don't know what to do. I'm so dumb for crying over something like this.
I'm way more sensitive than i remember.

I know people have been reading my blog...

which wasn't actually my intention.

and i mentioned a few minor things that turned into major issues. and i am sorry.
i am not mentioning names...never again.
and i am truly sorry for hurting anyone who has taken some of my posts wrongly.

my honest, main intentions were not to trash people and i have only wanted this year (Freshman year) to be about a new me. well not new. i was never THAT terrible.
but ive always wanted to change some things about myself.
i don't want to be known as the bitchy, slutty, backstabbing friend.

and i am deeply sorry to my friends, who i have betrayed in ways that i hadn't even noticed. and for that i am even more sorry.

but there is one truthful thing that i have to mention...
the way my friends have treated me lately...is not "friendly."
even after mistakes id made, i figured someone would say something to me about an issue that had occurred. so why are my "friends" talking about me behind my back, treating me like a stranger, leaving me alone on school mornings, and ditching plans.
i am exhausted of drama with my friends. and yes, i messed up!!
but all of you aren't perfect either. you trash some people, whether you know it or not. and i find it appalling! i feel like some of my friends are totally different people; like they've changed over a matter of weeks. and it's not all me. i didn't cause this ALL.
yes, i take blame for spending "too much" time with my boyfriend and less time with my friends, but i didn't mean to make that mistake of chasing my friends away. i just wanted to be with him, because he makes me so happy. and for that i love him.
but i miss my friends. and talking to my mom about the lack of quality time with them has made me cry enough to fill the world, twice. and this ruckus is like that Easter earthquake and for every reason or for no reason, i have cried for hours in just this week. and when i heard it was because of a blog post or a mishap...i couldn't bare it. i was wondering and anxious to determine what had gone wrong. everything had fallen to pieces and i was so incredibly lost. and for reasons like that...i realize friendships aren't fool-proof.
some friendships are like tall buildings made of every kind of strong material, however, there's always that black hole that comes along and ruins everything. but there's always someone there to try to bring a little hope and prosperity into the mix and brighten things and begin organizations to fix problems.


....although some people out there probably thought this was supposed to be one huge apology...it's not.
i AM sorry, but that's only part of it.
i feel trashed. and right now, with so much on my mind, i just need a friend who will give me a second chance. a chance to remind them of what we'd done for each other. and that i come with a bit of a package but i am full of surprises and i am pretty daring! :)
i don't want to regret things and i really do want people to look at me differently and to please stop judging me, because you don't know what's in my life right now. if you let me in, i can let you in. and i would love that, because my friends are so much to me.
i just want to know:
would you change a little if we did it together?

i just love this...

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